Isolation in Motherhood: Addressing the Lack of Community and the Disappearance of “The Village”
I’m sure you have heard the saying “It takes a village” when it comes to parenting. This African proverb sheds light on the fact that it takes a community to raise children in a safe and healthy environment that promotes growth and security. This phrase is often used in passing when talking about children but where is “the village” nowadays?
In place of the village, we now have the nuclear family. A nuclear family consists of two parents and their children and focuses on just those two generations. It is an individualistic approach to family life, one that leads to isolation. In the nuclear family, bonding with extended family such as grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins, is less frequent. This creates a reality where children are not being exposed to generational traditions, family expectations, and learning from those that came before them and to parents having less immediate support.
Historically, families would live in communities with everyone taking on specific roles and helping one another out. It was how humankind was able to flourish and evolve. Mothers were not alone, in fact, they had the help of other mothers in their tribes or communities while in more recent times, having neighbors you could lean on.
The same is not true today. It is now the norm to leave home when starting a family or before then. Those who become parents often feel as though they do not have support. Grandparents often live far or do not offer help as in previous generations while siblings, cousins, and friends go on living their own lives without much thought for the new parents. People are not looking out for one another and moms do not have the support that was once the norm.
In a community setting, women would see others become mothers and all that came with it. They would be exposed to the intricacies that came with pregnancy, birth, postpartum, and breastfeeding. By the time someone became a mother, they had already been accustomed to the process and knew who they could lean on for support — babies were seen as a community’s responsibility.
Now, besides the initial couple of weeks from the birth of the baby, people do not seek out visiting new parents. We are so far removed from the community mindset that people usually don’t even know HOW to help new parents.
The saying “hold the mother, not the baby” comes to mind when thinking of visitors for new parents. This does not mean you should not offer to hold the baby but rather, look to the parents and see where they could be needing help.
There is now a distance where there was family and community. This distance often leads to feelings of isolation. Not only do we live in a society where children are not commonplace or welcome in most locations (think people being upset at hearing a baby cry on an airplane or in a restaurant), but we must also deal with the loss of friends and family who are not in a similar place in life.
We now have adults that have never been around children, often new parents are learning to change diapers for the first time themselves. This can lead to feelings of self-doubt around becoming new parents and for others who would like to offer help but do not know how. This would not be a problem if there was still a community mindset. People would be comfortable being around the tiniest of humans and know how to extend help to their friends and families embarking on new parenthood.
These feelings of doubt coupled with the now inevitable isolation new parents experience can contribute to a host of postpartum mental health struggles. Isolation itself compounds the risk of these postpartum mood disorders by leaving the new parents unable to seek comfort, understanding, and guidance. Not having a support system can heighten the feelings of overwhelm that are often present during the transition into parenthood.
What can we do to combat this?
Unfortunately, the lack of a village has become common but that does not mean we are unable to make a change. If you are reading this as a new (or soon-to-be new) parent, try building a network of family and friends that you can rely on. You can reach out to parents you know, they do not have to have similar-aged children to be an asset to you.
You can also meet new people in your area by joining different parenting groups in person and online, local libraries, family centers, and community centers.
Get out with your baby! Babies and children are part of society, the most important part in my opinion, and they are allowed to occupy public spaces. Take them out to restaurants, coffee shops, grocery stores, malls – wherever you would like to go! They are allowed and so are you. Getting comfortable being out with your baby only happens by doing it often. So meet your friends and families somewhere. Just make sure you have a stocked diaper bag!
Another thing you can do is reach out to the people you want to have in your network. Call people with updates, to ask questions, or just catch up. We can not always expect others to look for us if we are not also extending a hand.
If you are not a parent and would like to support parents you know, REACH OUT! Showing people we care can be as simple as sending a text asking how they’re doing and if there is any way you can help. You can offer a broad meaning of help or get more specific, like asking if you can drop off dinner or groceries, help walk their dog, meet them out for coffee so they can get some fresh air, go over to watch the baby so they can sleep, etc. There are many ways to help new parents if you really want to.
Overall, we should all strive to bring back the community that was once a given. It is up to us all to make the difference we want to see. This goes for community in all senses of the word. Get out in your local community, help where needed, make friends, have people over, meet them out in public. Whatever you do, make your life richer by being part of a community and building one you can count on.
